Mixed Emotions

These past few weeks have been tough. 4 weeks ago Evie Grace got some sort of virus and has been sick ever since. That, of course, means that she hasn't been eating the way she needs to. Her Ped. said that she has been getting 38 ccs per Kilogram per day when she needs to get 50 ccs per kilogram per day. Thats really not too far off from where she needs to be.

So, today we got some exciting and scary news. Her ped wants to try whats called an NG Tube. This will go through her nose and into her stomach. It will be taped to her face and is completely removable. It will come with a pump so that at night time she can sleep (and so can we!!!) and still be fed. We can start at 6 hrs. This is amazing because we have never let her go more than 3 hrs to eat. Thats not to say she won't wake up. If she does, we simply turn the pump off, and give her a bottle. We still will have to give her a bottle during the day so that she doesn't get whats called food aversion. We need her to be able to still "nipple" well. (or take a bottle well).

For me, this comes with mixed emotions. On one hand, I would love to be able to sleep for more than a few hours a day. I would also love for her to sleep more than a few hours a day. I know how hard it is on her eating every 2 hrs much less, every hour! Poor baby gets tired of sucking, I'm sure. On the other hand, I want her to be as normal as possible. Its hard for me to see her with a tube in her nose, covering her pretty face. Now, she looks fine, but with the tube comes many questions, I'm sure. I worry about going into the grocery store and people saying things to me, that I really don't want to hear. Shes my baby and its tough enough without harsh criticism from others who don't know what she has been through. I was talking with the Hubby about it and while I know that I shouldn't care what others think, it will be hard for me to take her out because I don't want them feeling sorry for her, or even picking on her for being different. The one downside to the NG tube is that you can see it, unlike the g-tube. We are going to get family pics done soon and I would hate for that to show up. Its also going to be hard to just snap photos because this, I'm not sure I want to remember. I guess its just motherly instinct to want to protect her from unkind words. We both, however, do like the fact that its completely removable. If she doesn't need it, then we can take it out, unlike the G-tube.

I hope that this is the best thing for her right now. Its not as invasive as the g-tube, but its not as tiring for us trying to force feed a child who doesn't want to eat. Plus it lets Baby Girl rest too. I think part of the reason she isn't getting well is because she isn't sleeping. Everyone knows you need rest to get better.

Thanks for all you have done. It has been making my life a little better, a day at a time. I can finally see an end in sight. If this works, I may be able to start school in the fall to finish getting my second degree, enabling me to teach public school. Who knows what the future holds?

Please still keep us in your prayers. This is a very sad and difficult step to take. I know I shouldn't feel like this, but I think that if I wouldn't get tired, then I could keep going, preventing her from having to go through getting this. If I could just keep it up, and feed her like she needs to, or if I could get the formula down her somehow, then she wouldn't have to go through this ordeal. I feel as though I have failed her. Its hard making this decision. I hope its the right one.