Thursday, July 29, 2010

Yes, It Could Have Been Worse, But Still....

This will be short and sweet as I have a toddler wanna-be in my arms.

Tonight began like any other night. We got home, I gave Baby Girl a bath, a bottle, which she struggled with, and then put her on the pump. She was kinda fussy. With Evie, she fusses for about 5 min, then usually goes straight to sleep. This time was no exception. Except that 15 min later I hear rustling, so I give it a minute and hear more fussing. So I go in and check on her, and she had pulled her tube out. She had been asleep i know, and then in her sleep, I guess, pulled it out. I figure the bath removed some of the adhesive on the tape and when sucking on her fingers/paci somehow she missed her mouth and grabbed it out. This poses 2 very different problems:

#1. Praise God she is still with us. I am so thankful she pulled it all the way out and not just part of the way because she would have died. No doubts. Because I wouldn't have heard her, and it would have slowly drowned her.

#2. Now she is awake, and playing, praise God, and I have to reinsert that blasted tube when I really dont want to, on account of her safety.

What do I do? Leave it out and not get sleep anymore, like before, or trust that she will be "ok"?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

I blame it on the Stretch Marks.

Evie woke up this morning at 5. That's right 5. An hour and a half later,she begrudgingly took her paci and fell back asleep. After that, she woke up screaming for a bottle, which I fully expected. So, I made up more formula, and gave her a bottle. She then played and played. This is the part that was good today. So, I jumped in the shower and got my daily 5 min scrub down. Hurriedly got dressed. Today is picture day!

See, after having had said baby, my clothes don't fit the same way. Things don't look the same, bodies are different, therefore, clothes are different. I had to find a new shirt to wear. One white shirt. That's all. No pants, no undershirts, nothing but one, simple white shirt. Evie had been fed, we were both ready to go. I rushed to get over there, knowing that the bright sunlight would soon be out and I didn't want my headache to get worse. So low and behold we got to Pennies without a hitch. My plan for the two of us was working fine. I drug out the ginormous stroller, packed in all of our gear. I fit her car seat on the safe and sound and rolled her on in. I started looking around. A few min later, I noticed a Nurse Practitioner from the NICU and I had to say hello and so I opened the the car seat sun visor so she could look at how tall and big sweet Evie has gotten and guess whose Eyes had popped open! Thats right... Evies... Smiling, as if she were up to something. A mischievous grin for sure. We said our goodbyes and went on our merry way when Evie started the first of many fusses. I looked at the clock and sure enough it was time to eat. I made our way toward the bathroom. We sat there, she was crying and I was starting to sweat. I got looks from people. Some were sad, like they felt sorry for the poor mom by the bathroom, trying to console her screaming child, others, I assume, thought I was beating her. So we gave up on feeding. I was holding her at this point and we began to walk around. Passed some sales associates, and she was smiling being happy with them, we looked at the lighting aisle, and the mirrors, where she had a blast, looking at all the beautiful babies looking back at her. And all the beautiful Mommies too. So I found us a comfortable seating area to try to eat, as we all know LCHADers have to eat, and at this point her NG tube was take out because we have Photos being done this afternoon. So as soon as I sit down, she starts screaming her head off. I try bouncing, I try swinging her like a mad person, I try everything. I just want her to eat. So I let her stand on my legs and again she is happy. This time, an older lady comes by and looks at her (of course she has a rash on her face,due to the tape, this time by her eye) and says "do you have lipstick on your face". I wanted to say, but didn't "yes, lady, I kiss my daughter right under the eye, and I wear that much lipstick, and buy the cheap kind that comes off and gets all over her face". I just laughed at her. I'm still sweating, I'm sure I stink by this point, so we walked back by the bathrooms, and I try to feed again. I am praying that she takes it this time, but nope. So I give up. She got a total of an ounce. We were there for over an hour and I still had not shopped. By this point, one of the associates that saw me, had asked if I needed help. I really desperately wanted to scream yes. But saved that for when I got home. I have a feeling that kind of help isn't in her job description. So I strapped her, loosely, in her car seat, and went in search of any white shirt, that would even remotely fit. I went toward the dressing room, and we both went in. I tried it on. I thought to myself, "The icing on the cake would be if they thought that I was using her car seat/stroller to try and take things". I worked in retail. People do some crazy stuff! So I really just wanted to get outta there!

SO I buckled her in nicely, checked out, and by the time I was pulling down the car seat visor, she fell asleep.

Monday, July 12, 2010

25 going on 2

Sometimes I feel like a 2 year old. Laying on the floor, flailing her arms about all the while, screaming "Life's Not Fair". Then God, the ever patient Father, comes in and says, "No, its not. I'm sorry, but this is for your own good, and I know how much it hurts, but things will be better for you in the end". The Father lets his daughter pout. Only, my pouts last for several hours, even days. I wish I could be like that 2 year old that quickly forgets her troubles, and accepts the decisions her Father has made.

It seems that, lately, I stay in this mindset of deep disparity. Today, a few things set me off. Firstly, somethings are truly personal and I cannot post about them. Secondly, I looked around the VBS room today noticing all the healthy kids, and again my mind screamed "Its Not FAIR"! Thirdly, they announced the snack. It was to be goldfish and juice. Evie cannot eat goldfish. Again screamed, "Its not fair". I am trying to train my brain to think about all the things she can eat, instead of all the things she can't. As you can read, its not going well.

I wish I could quit pouting. I wish I could accept this decision that God made about my family. I wish that I could be that mom that doesn't need help. I wish that I could sleep. I wish that I could keep up with the housework. I wish....I wish....

Well I guess you can wish in one hand and....well, you know how the old saying goes. I pray daily that this gets better soon. I am going to attempt to have goals for my day to day living. I think that may help. And to keep a schedule. I've heard that helps.

Thanks for going on this journey with us and letting me vent.